On the Neurobiology and Endocrinology of Some Prehistoric Coelenterates, VIII¹

The central nervous system of Graposaurus welchi, the mesozoic precursor of the jellyfish of today, has been made the object of an exhaustive study by Marmot,² in which he shows that a nervous impulse took on the average thirty-six and a half years to pass from the epidermis to the brain. From this research we may draw several conclusions:

1. It was no fun trying to give a Graposaurus a hot-foot.
2. Graposauruses made rather dull pets.
3. In the role of predator, the Graposaurus was at a distinct disadvantage against almost any prey.

In this connection, we cannot avoid mentioning the experimental work of Sandvich and Milkokowsky, who over a period of approximately eight years attempted to teach a jellyfish to talk.³ During this period the experimenters claimed to have taught the subject over 500 phrases, ranging from single words like toast and peanut butter to complex sentences like Electronic media reconfigure the universe in the image of a global village. Unfortunately, the whole of this work has since been discredited, and the experimenters sent to prison. The jellyfish persuaded the jury to let it off with a fine, and is now the star of a successful cartoon show.

The key chemical agent in the nervous reactions of G. welchi appears to have been dextro-iso-ortho-cyclo-1,1-meta-1,2-para-alpha-1,3-chloro-fluoro-butyl-mutylene, which reacts with oxygen according to the formula:

((C₂₉H₃₆O₇)₁₈(C₄₄H₆₀O₅)₃₂)₅CH₂NCNC₅H₁₀COOCOH + O →
 ((C₂₉H₃₆O₇)₁₈(C₄₄H₆₀O₅)₃₂)₅CH₂NCNC₅H₁₀COOCOHO

The resulting compound, in its pure form, is remarkable for having no chemical properties.

Notes

1. Supported by National Coelenterate Foundation Grant J-666.
2. J. Abstr. Zool., 2, 111–148.
3. Izv. Akad. Nauk Dzhelifish, 23, 18–287.