On the Neurobiology and Endocrinology of Some Prehistoric Coelenterates, XXIX¹

One of the more tragic figures of the thrilling pageant of Silurian paleontology was the Oral-Aural Coral (Mediapora mcLuhani), which infested the strategically important tropical waters off the coast of Gondwanaland. Today this species is totally extinct, having vanished without a trace except for Douglas Reef, a garish pile of secretions in the middle of the Pacific with no value either as real estate or as jewelry. The Reef derives its name from Lord Crudley Dudley-Douglas, 17th-century Scottish explorer and founder of the Bermuda Triangular Trade, in which Canadian furs were sold in Lapland and the proceeds used to buy onions in Bermuda, which were bartered in Canada for more furs. It is worth noting that Lord Douglas died penniless in consequence of having pursued the Bermuda Triangular Trade in the wrong direction.³ However, his name survives, attached to a coral formation so blatantly visible that only the most incompetent of seamen could run aground on it.⁴

The nervous system of the Oral-Aural Coral was characterized by highly sensitized auditory nerves, which enabled a colony of M. mcLuhani to communicate by sound. It seems likely that such communication was at first limited to organizational uses such as the coordination of construction activities. Minute pattern analysis of the coral formations of Douglas Reef indicate that M. mcLuhani probably possessed some sort of zoning restrictions similar to those now in force on Long Island.⁵ In any case, by the end of the Ordovician period the Oral-Aural Coral had developed a sophisticated culture which compares favorably with those of ancient Sumeria, medieval Wales, and Texas. By all accounts⁶ the Oral-Aural Coral excelled in music, oratory, and sculpture. On the other hand, they appear to have been surprisingly backward in philosophy and metaphysics; their sacred sculptures indicate that they conceived of the Creator as a giant coelenterate.⁷

The reason for the decline of M. mcLuhani remained for years a source of controversy for paleontologists. Among the various hypotheses put forth were the following:

• The Graposaurus Theory. First advanced by Professor Mumford W. Cabot of Harvard in 1898. Cabot suggested that the Oral-Aural Coral were ravaged by voracious hordes of a prehistoric jellyfish (Graposaurus welchi). As remarked earlier in this series, the Graposaurus's egregiously slow reflexes made it more likely that a coral reef would devour a graposaurus than the other way around.
• The Climatic Theory. First advanced by Professor J. Elmer Szycyznski of the University of Chicago in 1937. Szycyznski theorized that during the Ice Age the Oral-Aural Coral froze to death, in consequence of having neglected to put up the storm windows. Adherents of the Graposaurus theory, however, immediately objected (in 1961) that such modern conveniences as storm windows could not have been in general use during the Silurian Era. It is now generally accepted that the entire Ice Age was a myth, engendered when some dinosaur left his air-conditioner running.⁸
• The Climactic Theory. First advanced by Professor Billy-Joe Hogghorn of Dixie Fundamental University in 1970. In Hogghorn's own words: The Oral-Aural Coral died out because they went deaf from listening to loud rock music—the same identical abomination that was directly responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire in 476 A.D.⁹

From the foregoing accounts it must be clearly evident that any paleontologist who could propound a satisfactory explanation for the demise of M. mcLuhani would be honored as a savior of science and a benefactor of mankind. It is now my privilege to report that this honor properly belongs to me. The true explanation, which I have confirmed experimentally, is remarkably simple—so simple, indeed, that no one ever thought of it before. It is my hope that with the publication of the present article the world will have heard the last of the Great Oral-Aural Coral Quarrel.

The epidermis of every coral polyp is crisscrossed by thousands of tiny pores, through which is secreted the calcareous substance of which coral reefs are constructed. In the case of the Oral-Aural Coral these pores became clogged by surface dirt and oil, causing unsightly blackheads and pimples. The consequent disruption of cultural activities spelled the end of the line for Oral-Aural Coral everywhere. In an epoch-making experiment performed at a private research laboratory, the Author procured ten specimens of a furry Turkish polyp, the Angoral Coral (Macroporna capricorna) and divided them into two groups of six. For convenience these groups were designated Group A and Group B. Group A was treated with 5.827×10⁰ liters of Gravoline recycled motor oil (SAE-2½) poured directly into its tank. Group B was then treated with 18.296×10⁰ c.c. of Smearex® Dual-Action Medicated Skin Cream, the only acne remedy whose patented Dual-Action attacks dirt and oil in two ways: by ridiculing them and by punching them in the nose. The results were immediate and convincing: within five minutes all the members of Group A were dead of mortification, while no member of Group B died in less than 8 minutes, and some took as long as half an hour. A contributing factor to the success of the experiment was the fact that Smearex comes packaged in handy toothpaste tubes for easy application, and is sold in three invisible flesh tones: blue, green, and maroon. So don't just clear up your acne—ridicule it and punch it in the nose with Smearex, another fine product of Bar-Num Pharmaceuticals, Inc.¹⁰

Notes

1. This work is supported by a grant from the National Coelenterate Foundation.
2. Degree of Doctor of Philosophy granted by Pocatello School of Divinity and Business Administration, 1929.
3. See Tendency, Montague J., and Tendency, Drosophila Spigot, Expansion in the Age of Exploration and Vice Versa (Buffalo, Okla., 1949), Appendix, pp. 498–499 plus tax.
4. A fact which lends itself to literary treatment, as in the famous Horsehair Sofa Scene from Admiral Boniface's Parrot (see Appendix).
5. See Um, G., and Humph, J., Statistical Frequency Tables for Coral Reefs, Creative Oceanology, XII, 14–698.
6. See Urnwell, Cynthia, Life and Art in the Silurian Age (Princeton, 1944), p. 307 ff.
7. A view shared by some modern theologians. For a complete overview see Gunther Ghastli's Der Gott als Mensch und Qualle (Arkham, Mass., 1968), particularly his chapter on the neo-Cthulhuans.
8. See Butternutt, Boreas C., Ice Age, Shmice Age, Geological Archive XVI, 1101–1104.
9. See Strongarm, Gleaner Ed, Augury Guesses Right Again, The Plain Sooth, XXXIX, 16–17.
10. Bar-Num Pharmaceuticals is a wholly-owned subsidiary of F. K. Dingy & Sons.¹¹
11. As is the National Coelenterate Foundation.